Updated: Jul 18, 2019
She never forgets.
For many years, she thought she was the innocent one.
She blamed it on him. She blamed it on naïveté. She blamed it on her mother. She blamed it on her sister. Now, with some spiritual sense, she has become more remorseful. She acknowledges her doing. She sees her stubbornness. She too was guilty.
She believes it would have been a he; and every so often, she is curious. Who would he have come to be? What would his favorite song be? His favorite sport? His favorite movie? Or food? So many “would haves” that would never be answered.
Though she moved on with her life, she still can playback each second in her mind. She hears the tiny heartbeat. She remembers the daily fatigue and heavy sleepiness. She breathes the scent of the side effects. It’s been twenty years.
She never forgets.
As she examines her list of excuses then, she realizes the situation not to be as bad as it appeared. Without question, her life would have been harder. Even so, there is no certainty the unpleasant experience would have led to her grave.
What was frightening then, isn’t so now.
What was shameful then, looks so trivial now.
What was unforgivable then, is redeemable now.
The father, who was also her very first partner, fled.
The teenager then found herself alone and ashamed; not very strong to face the inescapable mass of mockeries and humiliation awaiting. It was a disgrace, and she was sure she would be rejected by her own. So, to erase the incident, she believed this was the only way out.
A woman now, she gasps. She should have conquered the shame. The memory of the abortion drops by occasionally; however, haunting her more often now that she desires to become a mother. A forty-year-old soul, she sometimes wonders if she's being punished. Perhaps, she missed her only opportunity to experience motherhood!
She gasps even further as she hears the calumnies of her society; a society that would have hung her on the cross if she had gone through with it. The same one is now pointing fingers at her childlessness; amnesic of the pressures it has imposed upon her as a teenage girl.
When the world scorns her, it's with no effect. She had already sentenced herself.
Fortunately, her spiritual journey throughout those years has released her into freedom.
She does not forget out of depression, but in celebration of her redemption; for forgiveness, she has found. New love, she embraced. Peaceful, she is.
Each time the memory visits again, she reminds herself she is a redeemed woman and refuses to look back.